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Saturday, October 3, 2009

R.I.P. Jake.

The world is a bit darker now... knowing that when I look up @ the stars & Jake can't ever look at them & think of me again... I miss him. I literally lost someone that was an important part of my life. & I didn't even find out he was gone until just now. I will never get to smile when I see a new inbox from Just_Jake again. This sucks. I know it is a wonder that I care so much, but he was my one & only Jailbird. I can't believe it. I watched him grow to the man that he was when he died. He was so tough, so strong. He made it through so much. I saw him through the hard, impossible times when we thought he couldn't make it. He can't be gone... but he is. Knowing that he thought of me before he died makes it so much worse. He won't ever get to see the "Happy Birthday" note I left him. We will never get to see eachother grow old & become better people. I will never get to tell him I found the song that reminds me so much of him, with all of his strength & humor & compassion. He won't be there to give me advice, or make me smile, or get me laughing so hard I can't breathe, like he used to. I couldn't be there to tell him that it was all going to be okay. I never got to see him, never got to hold him like we always said we would. He was just so amazing, dealing with everything that life threw at him & coming out a better, stronger person, not jaded like I became. He shouldn't have had to go through what he did, esp. coming from the people who were supposed to love him. It wasn't right for that man to bear such a cross. He did not deserve to die. He had so little time, & so few happy moments. He did not get what was owed to him. He didn't get all of his time. He was such a fighter, even in the end of it all. & all I can think was that I wasn't there for him in his final days. He was thinking of me, trying not to make it harder for me by telling me. But he did. I will never know what it was like for him. I can't. Even in the end, he was trying to spare me. He was all that & so much more.

[Bullet For My Valentine/Forever & Always. This was the equivalent of your "I Will Be". I never told you. If I could go back, I would have. You died not knowing. ]


I can never get him back. I miss him more than you could know. Rest peacefully, Jailbird. I know you will be the angel watching over my shoulders. I'm sorry I couldn't be more for you. I will never stop thinking of you. I love you. Goodbye, Jake. For the last time. Xiang nian ni.

Bullet For My Valentine/Forever & Always.